My poor little soul is just so sad :(
I have said all my spiritual and physical goodbyes, my flight leaves tonight, and I am just here, waiting, numb.
I can't comprehend the reality that it's all done. That soon I am going to be home (without any wild cats or cockroaches running around) and that my service will seem like a dream. Heck, I am still here and it already feels like a dream.
People keep asking me how it feels to go home today. How it feels to be done. How it feels to know a year is over, and the answer is, I don't know. All the learnings, experiences, and joys to the sadness, pains, and tests is like a giant pool of spiritual language that I need to sum up in a couple words. Like and ocean that pours forth from a straw, it's too hard to detail all the complexities of my emotions.
I am beyond excited to go home. So stoked for my new stuff and ready to integrate! I really am going to live everyday with a purpose and a clear mind. Yes, I will be very sad, but I am okay with that. What I am not okay with is being home and doing nothing. I hate that feeling.
I want to thank everyone for coming on this year long journey. You have seen that I went through a lot and have experienced tons of bliss.
I hope that what I have shared has inspired or related to your experiences in life.
Who knew, a year and a half ago I was just contemplating the idea of serving, and now, I'm done.
What lies ahead is just a life of learning, joy and new development. I know I will return one day to my spiritual home. That's what makes me smile. My life is a journey, a journey of Forever.
Ian
Sad leave, Exciting Announcement
Well, I leave in 2 days. I have already said many goodbyes and my tears are just about to blow out of me.
Tomorrow I do my last visit to the Ultimate, and it might be a water-works show after that.
I am so sad to leave, but I am beyond excited to go home! I can't wait to do new things and work with new people!
This brings me to an exciting announcement! On October 13th, 2012, I am releasing my new mini-movie / short documentary: Holy Recollections.
It is about my journey of my service; experiences, learnings, feelings, everything. All with incredible HD video, makes a great blend! Oh its in 3D too. Just kidding, 3D is annoying.
I have called in a lot of professional help for this video! I have a make up artist, professional lighting, custom made songs and much more!
I have had this video idea for the past year (since last August) and have finally found the right idea. I started working on it since June! I have a ton of video footage. I cannot wait for you to see it!
I am very happy to be going home to something, not just a plain boring life. I am really going to spread what I have learned and (hopefully) inspire.
Would I say that service was a great chapter of my life? No, it was an amazing novel. Time to start my first chapter of my new book when I go home!
Ian
Tomorrow I do my last visit to the Ultimate, and it might be a water-works show after that.
I am so sad to leave, but I am beyond excited to go home! I can't wait to do new things and work with new people!
This brings me to an exciting announcement! On October 13th, 2012, I am releasing my new mini-movie / short documentary: Holy Recollections.
It is about my journey of my service; experiences, learnings, feelings, everything. All with incredible HD video, makes a great blend! Oh its in 3D too. Just kidding, 3D is annoying.
I have called in a lot of professional help for this video! I have a make up artist, professional lighting, custom made songs and much more!
I have had this video idea for the past year (since last August) and have finally found the right idea. I started working on it since June! I have a ton of video footage. I cannot wait for you to see it!
I am very happy to be going home to something, not just a plain boring life. I am really going to spread what I have learned and (hopefully) inspire.
Would I say that service was a great chapter of my life? No, it was an amazing novel. Time to start my first chapter of my new book when I go home!
Ian
Tears
You know, I have been meaning to write this specific post, and I think it is about time I do.
This one is about men, crying.
So many people think that a man who cries is weak, puny, not a "real-man". Well, I disagree 100% of the way.
To me crying is a physical way of praying. Crying it being able to admit that I am not perfect, a way to show humility and longing, and a way to connect even deeper with God through shedding tears of want.
For those who are afraid to cry, I think they are afraid of embarrassment. But what will happen if, all the suddenly, it becomes socially acceptable? Well, it would be normal! People would be admitting it all the time, men and women alike.
So this obviously boils down to a social issue. But I also think that culture teaches that crying is for the weak.
Well, I am sorry to break it to people, but we are all human beings and we are all DEPENDENT on something that helps us survive. We need water, food, love, emotional care, etc. So in that sense, we are all weak when lacking necessary resources, spiritual ones included.
In the end crying is my joy. I wish I could cry everyday. By crying I can feel closer to God, and I am sorry, but if people think that connecting with God is weak, then I fear what they think strength is.
This one is about men, crying.
So many people think that a man who cries is weak, puny, not a "real-man". Well, I disagree 100% of the way.
To me crying is a physical way of praying. Crying it being able to admit that I am not perfect, a way to show humility and longing, and a way to connect even deeper with God through shedding tears of want.
For those who are afraid to cry, I think they are afraid of embarrassment. But what will happen if, all the suddenly, it becomes socially acceptable? Well, it would be normal! People would be admitting it all the time, men and women alike.
So this obviously boils down to a social issue. But I also think that culture teaches that crying is for the weak.
Well, I am sorry to break it to people, but we are all human beings and we are all DEPENDENT on something that helps us survive. We need water, food, love, emotional care, etc. So in that sense, we are all weak when lacking necessary resources, spiritual ones included.
In the end crying is my joy. I wish I could cry everyday. By crying I can feel closer to God, and I am sorry, but if people think that connecting with God is weak, then I fear what they think strength is.
2 Days of Work Left
The feeling is strange. Really strange. It is a mix of excitement to go home and serve in a new way, plus the sadness to leave the Holiness, and the feeling of being sick of gardening. All 3 put together makes a very uneasy Ian.
You know when you enter a new environment, you have that "new guy feel". It is a feeling of change; difference; an awkward unknown. Well, that feeling has entered again. There's under-brewing feeling that a big change is about to take place. I have so much planned for when I go home, but the question is what I am going to be like when I am home.
Will I be able to manage pulling my new habits into my life at home? Will I fall into sadness and not be able to feel strong enough to incorporate the new me? Or, even worse, will I fall into the old Ian and feel lazy and regret for loosing my true self?
Every time I think of my nearing departure, my heart sighs a breath of sadness. Tears are starting to come up, and all I hope and pray for is to be happy and positively influential when I go home.
I am scared, sad, and excited all at the same time, and I just feel this countdown that I can't stop.
But here is what I know I will NOT do when I go home. I will not be depressed, overly-sad, lazy, lethargic, or a drag to be around. I am going home with a whole new spirit, why spread such a downer energy? I know I will be sad to end such an amazing part of my life, but I will come back. New beginnings are starting their engines and I am the one to put them into drive.
I just pray that I can keep (and grow) the me that I am today. I am not afraid to be the true soul that I am, other peoples opinions really don't matter to me because I do this for the sake of my soul's health and my growth towards God.
You know when you enter a new environment, you have that "new guy feel". It is a feeling of change; difference; an awkward unknown. Well, that feeling has entered again. There's under-brewing feeling that a big change is about to take place. I have so much planned for when I go home, but the question is what I am going to be like when I am home.
Will I be able to manage pulling my new habits into my life at home? Will I fall into sadness and not be able to feel strong enough to incorporate the new me? Or, even worse, will I fall into the old Ian and feel lazy and regret for loosing my true self?
Every time I think of my nearing departure, my heart sighs a breath of sadness. Tears are starting to come up, and all I hope and pray for is to be happy and positively influential when I go home.
I am scared, sad, and excited all at the same time, and I just feel this countdown that I can't stop.
But here is what I know I will NOT do when I go home. I will not be depressed, overly-sad, lazy, lethargic, or a drag to be around. I am going home with a whole new spirit, why spread such a downer energy? I know I will be sad to end such an amazing part of my life, but I will come back. New beginnings are starting their engines and I am the one to put them into drive.
I just pray that I can keep (and grow) the me that I am today. I am not afraid to be the true soul that I am, other peoples opinions really don't matter to me because I do this for the sake of my soul's health and my growth towards God.
Time is Coming to an End
I barely have 3 weeks left in this all Glorious land.
I cannot believe it has already been a year. It's so hard to imagine that a year ago, today, I was preparing myself for my year or service.
Emotions are starting to well up and I am sure that my last week will be pretty teary.
This has been such a memorable year of my life. It is the year that I started to grow into Ian, and solved problems that I need to know the answer to. It's the year that many tests and difficulties came and many great realizations and happiness made manifest.
I am sad to leave here. I am sad to not have such amazing access to those glorious resting places.When I experience the love and the soul during my prayers inside, and I think to myself: how am I going to live without this?
The answer is, I will always live with it. It will always be my heart and home.
I am quite, though, excited to go home. I am excited or a new beginning and for a new chapter.
It is time for me to serve in a new capacity, and to be able to interact with people about what I learned, and hopefully inspire change.
I am not going home depressed or groggy. I will be sad, but I know that I will return one day, maybe with a few little ones on my side. So I am going to make good use of being home, start new projects, and really start to figure out my path.
I know that I have a lot to take on when I go home, but as long as my heart is filled with this light, I am happy.
Ian
I cannot believe it has already been a year. It's so hard to imagine that a year ago, today, I was preparing myself for my year or service.
Emotions are starting to well up and I am sure that my last week will be pretty teary.
This has been such a memorable year of my life. It is the year that I started to grow into Ian, and solved problems that I need to know the answer to. It's the year that many tests and difficulties came and many great realizations and happiness made manifest.
I am sad to leave here. I am sad to not have such amazing access to those glorious resting places.When I experience the love and the soul during my prayers inside, and I think to myself: how am I going to live without this?
The answer is, I will always live with it. It will always be my heart and home.
I am quite, though, excited to go home. I am excited or a new beginning and for a new chapter.
It is time for me to serve in a new capacity, and to be able to interact with people about what I learned, and hopefully inspire change.
I am not going home depressed or groggy. I will be sad, but I know that I will return one day, maybe with a few little ones on my side. So I am going to make good use of being home, start new projects, and really start to figure out my path.
I know that I have a lot to take on when I go home, but as long as my heart is filled with this light, I am happy.
Ian
Where Has it All Gone?
Update time! I haven't posted in so long. I apologize. Not having a computer now means less posts. I could still write but I am not particularly inclined to writing long posts on my 3 inch iPhone screen.
Life has definitely taken some interesting turns since the last time I wrote, but the main and bigger event is that I am leaving in a matter of months.
Yes, the time has come where I am now living consciously of my limited time. I really am trying to make the best of it by volunteering in other departments, hanging out with more friends, and doing more things.
Getting rid of my computer was one of the best ideas I have ever thought of. Within a matter of days I had done more things with friends and coworkers than I would have in 1 week.
You never really know how much of an effect something has on you until you get rid of it. So, thank God I got rid of it! Yay!
I lately have been going through some hard, personal tests. There were days where I just sat in my dark dungeon of a room and cried at the thought of not being able to overcome what I was going through.
I have talked to many friends about the situation and have found a ton of enlightenment.
This is probably one of the hardest times I have had to go through in my life, but at the same time, it has beared the most fruit.
See, I now know what to do to overcome this test. I am taking charge of all my actions and being aware of how I interact with others.
I finally understand the fact that we are all equal. No one is superior to others. Just because someone is older, doesn't mean they are better.
I see ideas and opinions as offerings of thought, and not as a statement of true reality. The idea that one is right and the other is wrong is one of the greatest tests of the human experience, because one will forever live in ignorance and pride without even opening the eyes to other realities.
I am finally able to recognize my worth in this world, and to be able to overcome the thought of being inferior to others. We are all worthy, equal, and loved beings.
This single test has opened my eyes to my soul, to my life, to answers of my long lived questions, and I am forever grateful. I will never be the same after this. Thank God.
I look at the skyline of the radiant-orange sunset, hear the birds chanting their love for one another, feel the spirit of my surroundings, and I wonder how I am going to live without this place. A year has passed so fast and I feel as though there is still more to do.
Life has definitely taken some interesting turns since the last time I wrote, but the main and bigger event is that I am leaving in a matter of months.
Yes, the time has come where I am now living consciously of my limited time. I really am trying to make the best of it by volunteering in other departments, hanging out with more friends, and doing more things.
Getting rid of my computer was one of the best ideas I have ever thought of. Within a matter of days I had done more things with friends and coworkers than I would have in 1 week.
You never really know how much of an effect something has on you until you get rid of it. So, thank God I got rid of it! Yay!
. . . . .
I lately have been going through some hard, personal tests. There were days where I just sat in my dark dungeon of a room and cried at the thought of not being able to overcome what I was going through.
I have talked to many friends about the situation and have found a ton of enlightenment.
This is probably one of the hardest times I have had to go through in my life, but at the same time, it has beared the most fruit.
See, I now know what to do to overcome this test. I am taking charge of all my actions and being aware of how I interact with others.
I finally understand the fact that we are all equal. No one is superior to others. Just because someone is older, doesn't mean they are better.I see ideas and opinions as offerings of thought, and not as a statement of true reality. The idea that one is right and the other is wrong is one of the greatest tests of the human experience, because one will forever live in ignorance and pride without even opening the eyes to other realities.
I am finally able to recognize my worth in this world, and to be able to overcome the thought of being inferior to others. We are all worthy, equal, and loved beings.
This single test has opened my eyes to my soul, to my life, to answers of my long lived questions, and I am forever grateful. I will never be the same after this. Thank God.
. . . .
I look at the skyline of the radiant-orange sunset, hear the birds chanting their love for one another, feel the spirit of my surroundings, and I wonder how I am going to live without this place. A year has passed so fast and I feel as though there is still more to do.
I am beyond thankful for what I have learned and gone through in my time of service, and I can only hope to pray for more clarity and confirmations.
One day, I will be soul that I am meant to be, and I am already one stepping stone closer than yesterday.
Ian
Gahhhhh!
Whenever I think about having to leave soon, a mist of sadness appears. It's practically 4 months left and I still have so much to do and think about!
I really am going to make the most of these coming months. Volunteering in other positions, hanging out with friends and just have a good time.
I also am going to start meditating on what I should do for a career. What befit's my soul? What makes me happy? Really dive into it, cause... I need to know. Hahah.
I've learned the importance of committing. To say I want to do something, but then really do it and make changes in my life to make my goal a reality. It is so easy to just flub out and forget about the goals I have in place, but I don't want that to happen anymore. I'm almost 21, for goodness sakes, and I'm going to makes things right.
So, for the reason of wanting to really change my life and habits, I'm sending my computer home, 4 months before I leave. It's a beautiful tool, but also a pit of lethargy, and I'm sick of wasting my valuable time on it. I will still use my iPhone for email and etc. Thankfully, its harder for me to get all trapped in YouTube on my phone, than my Mac, which is so easily a magnet.
I have also learned the importance of love and being in a uplifted mood, and what is conducive (and not) to making myself feel that way. I (in my last post) talked about negativity and how it really brings me down, and I have identified attitudes and energies that make me negative, and striving to rule them out.
Just my thoughts and feeling for now. I am so thankful and happy for how my life has turned out and what I have been able to do.
Let the spirit pervade!
Ian
I really am going to make the most of these coming months. Volunteering in other positions, hanging out with friends and just have a good time.
I also am going to start meditating on what I should do for a career. What befit's my soul? What makes me happy? Really dive into it, cause... I need to know. Hahah.
. . . . . . . . .
I've learned the importance of committing. To say I want to do something, but then really do it and make changes in my life to make my goal a reality. It is so easy to just flub out and forget about the goals I have in place, but I don't want that to happen anymore. I'm almost 21, for goodness sakes, and I'm going to makes things right.
So, for the reason of wanting to really change my life and habits, I'm sending my computer home, 4 months before I leave. It's a beautiful tool, but also a pit of lethargy, and I'm sick of wasting my valuable time on it. I will still use my iPhone for email and etc. Thankfully, its harder for me to get all trapped in YouTube on my phone, than my Mac, which is so easily a magnet.
I have also learned the importance of love and being in a uplifted mood, and what is conducive (and not) to making myself feel that way. I (in my last post) talked about negativity and how it really brings me down, and I have identified attitudes and energies that make me negative, and striving to rule them out.
Just my thoughts and feeling for now. I am so thankful and happy for how my life has turned out and what I have been able to do.
Let the spirit pervade!
Ian
Negativity
You know, there are so many things that I have been thinking about for the past couple months; my friendships, my relationship status with my family members, the work that I am doing, health, etc. And it can be overwhelming, sometimes, to think about how much I have to work with and how much I have to balance out.
But for some reason, though, I have fallen into the habit of thinking of the negative side of things rather than the positive, and just recently, I have finally said to myself; "I am so sick of seeing of the negative side of things! How did I get into this? Cause it is really bringing me down!"
Yes, there are things that cause me a ton of stress and anger, but how did I get out of my habit of looking at the bright side of things?
A couple years ago at school, I really got into the whole positive-energy, look at the bright side thing. But I was extraordinarily immoderate with it and I drove my friends crazy. Then graduating and going back home, I calmed down and started to balance out. But then for some reason, I have been falling into looking at the negatives a bit more than the positives.
I am just intrigued about the fact that it has taken me this long to truly come to the realization, that I need to change my thinking. Because I could have said "be positive" to myself many times over the past years, but it didn't wouldn't sink in. Yet now I say it to myself and it really resonates. It just show me that I need to let myself experience things in the moment and not have artificial ideas clog my mind, and that I need to let myself think organically.
It also shows me that I need to be in-tuned with how I am feeling and to bring myself to a solution to improve my living experience. Simply apologizing or praying for improvement doesn't really help if I don't know what the cause of the problem is. I have been very honest with myself for many months and have brought myself to account with my deeds, but I guess I need to look past the daily struggles and dive deep into the source of the problem.
Being negative brings me down. I feel... something (can't describe it) when I am negative, and I don't want it anymore. I am living a great life, doing what I need to do, discovering and growing the way I need to, STOP COMPLAINING IAN! LOL.
Love to all
Ian
But for some reason, though, I have fallen into the habit of thinking of the negative side of things rather than the positive, and just recently, I have finally said to myself; "I am so sick of seeing of the negative side of things! How did I get into this? Cause it is really bringing me down!"
Yes, there are things that cause me a ton of stress and anger, but how did I get out of my habit of looking at the bright side of things?
A couple years ago at school, I really got into the whole positive-energy, look at the bright side thing. But I was extraordinarily immoderate with it and I drove my friends crazy. Then graduating and going back home, I calmed down and started to balance out. But then for some reason, I have been falling into looking at the negatives a bit more than the positives.
I am just intrigued about the fact that it has taken me this long to truly come to the realization, that I need to change my thinking. Because I could have said "be positive" to myself many times over the past years, but it didn't wouldn't sink in. Yet now I say it to myself and it really resonates. It just show me that I need to let myself experience things in the moment and not have artificial ideas clog my mind, and that I need to let myself think organically.
It also shows me that I need to be in-tuned with how I am feeling and to bring myself to a solution to improve my living experience. Simply apologizing or praying for improvement doesn't really help if I don't know what the cause of the problem is. I have been very honest with myself for many months and have brought myself to account with my deeds, but I guess I need to look past the daily struggles and dive deep into the source of the problem.
Being negative brings me down. I feel... something (can't describe it) when I am negative, and I don't want it anymore. I am living a great life, doing what I need to do, discovering and growing the way I need to, STOP COMPLAINING IAN! LOL.
Love to all
Ian
Hey!
Haven't posted in so long! SORRY!
I am doing so well here! I am learning from my tests, growing and advancing in the direction that I need, and really striving to stick to the better way of living that I have identified for my self!
My mom is visiting soon! I am really happy that she's coming! We need some mother and son bonding time, and what better place to do so? She comes in April and will be here for a little over a week.
Some things that I miss most about home:
In and Out Burger (I'm SUPER Californian)
My fam-jam
Driving
Hanging out with my sister
Being with my old community friends
Not having to do anything in the day (sometime I miss this)
I am pretty excited to go home and fulfill all my missing's. Don't get me wrong, I love being where I am and I am so thankful and happy for all that I am learning, but I can't wait to go home and be with my family. The family unit expanded three weeks before I left, not much bonding time right?
Unfortunately, I have to take down ALL the posts prior to this one. Due to some personal issues, they will be TEMPORARILY unavailable.
Until next!
Ian
I am doing so well here! I am learning from my tests, growing and advancing in the direction that I need, and really striving to stick to the better way of living that I have identified for my self!
My mom is visiting soon! I am really happy that she's coming! We need some mother and son bonding time, and what better place to do so? She comes in April and will be here for a little over a week.
Some things that I miss most about home:
In and Out Burger (I'm SUPER Californian)
My fam-jam
Driving
Hanging out with my sister
Being with my old community friends
Not having to do anything in the day (sometime I miss this)
I am pretty excited to go home and fulfill all my missing's. Don't get me wrong, I love being where I am and I am so thankful and happy for all that I am learning, but I can't wait to go home and be with my family. The family unit expanded three weeks before I left, not much bonding time right?
Unfortunately, I have to take down ALL the posts prior to this one. Due to some personal issues, they will be TEMPORARILY unavailable.
Until next!
Ian
Yep, 6 Month Mark.
Yep, its been 6 months already. My half-way mark. My countdown.
It’s pretty crazy to believe that I am 6 months in already, it seems like a month ago when I just arrived.
I have learned so much here. The importance of my self confidence and the effects i can have on the world, the lesson of love and to appreciate other peoples value, and the ability to not be so harsh on myself, and to allow myself the chance to grow and trust that all will be fine if I try to aim for the better.
I really have grown a stronger connection between me and the Faith. I definitely have more trust than before! I am so thankful.
All I know now is that now is the time to really think about what I want to do when I go home, my future career, etc.
All is well.
Ian
PS. My mother is visiting me in April! I am excited to see her!
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