My poor little soul is just so sad :(
I have said all my spiritual and physical goodbyes, my flight leaves tonight, and I am just here, waiting, numb.
I can't comprehend the reality that it's all done. That soon I am going to be home (without any wild cats or cockroaches running around) and that my service will seem like a dream. Heck, I am still here and it already feels like a dream.
People keep asking me how it feels to go home today. How it feels to be done. How it feels to know a year is over, and the answer is, I don't know. All the learnings, experiences, and joys to the sadness, pains, and tests is like a giant pool of spiritual language that I need to sum up in a couple words. Like and ocean that pours forth from a straw, it's too hard to detail all the complexities of my emotions.
I am beyond excited to go home. So stoked for my new stuff and ready to integrate! I really am going to live everyday with a purpose and a clear mind. Yes, I will be very sad, but I am okay with that. What I am not okay with is being home and doing nothing. I hate that feeling.
I want to thank everyone for coming on this year long journey. You have seen that I went through a lot and have experienced tons of bliss.
I hope that what I have shared has inspired or related to your experiences in life.
Who knew, a year and a half ago I was just contemplating the idea of serving, and now, I'm done.
What lies ahead is just a life of learning, joy and new development. I know I will return one day to my spiritual home. That's what makes me smile. My life is a journey, a journey of Forever.
Ian
Sad leave, Exciting Announcement
Well, I leave in 2 days. I have already said many goodbyes and my tears are just about to blow out of me.
Tomorrow I do my last visit to the Ultimate, and it might be a water-works show after that.
I am so sad to leave, but I am beyond excited to go home! I can't wait to do new things and work with new people!
This brings me to an exciting announcement! On October 13th, 2012, I am releasing my new mini-movie / short documentary: Holy Recollections.
It is about my journey of my service; experiences, learnings, feelings, everything. All with incredible HD video, makes a great blend! Oh its in 3D too. Just kidding, 3D is annoying.
I have called in a lot of professional help for this video! I have a make up artist, professional lighting, custom made songs and much more!
I have had this video idea for the past year (since last August) and have finally found the right idea. I started working on it since June! I have a ton of video footage. I cannot wait for you to see it!
I am very happy to be going home to something, not just a plain boring life. I am really going to spread what I have learned and (hopefully) inspire.
Would I say that service was a great chapter of my life? No, it was an amazing novel. Time to start my first chapter of my new book when I go home!
Ian
Tomorrow I do my last visit to the Ultimate, and it might be a water-works show after that.
I am so sad to leave, but I am beyond excited to go home! I can't wait to do new things and work with new people!
This brings me to an exciting announcement! On October 13th, 2012, I am releasing my new mini-movie / short documentary: Holy Recollections.
It is about my journey of my service; experiences, learnings, feelings, everything. All with incredible HD video, makes a great blend! Oh its in 3D too. Just kidding, 3D is annoying.
I have called in a lot of professional help for this video! I have a make up artist, professional lighting, custom made songs and much more!
I have had this video idea for the past year (since last August) and have finally found the right idea. I started working on it since June! I have a ton of video footage. I cannot wait for you to see it!
I am very happy to be going home to something, not just a plain boring life. I am really going to spread what I have learned and (hopefully) inspire.
Would I say that service was a great chapter of my life? No, it was an amazing novel. Time to start my first chapter of my new book when I go home!
Ian
Tears
You know, I have been meaning to write this specific post, and I think it is about time I do.
This one is about men, crying.
So many people think that a man who cries is weak, puny, not a "real-man". Well, I disagree 100% of the way.
To me crying is a physical way of praying. Crying it being able to admit that I am not perfect, a way to show humility and longing, and a way to connect even deeper with God through shedding tears of want.
For those who are afraid to cry, I think they are afraid of embarrassment. But what will happen if, all the suddenly, it becomes socially acceptable? Well, it would be normal! People would be admitting it all the time, men and women alike.
So this obviously boils down to a social issue. But I also think that culture teaches that crying is for the weak.
Well, I am sorry to break it to people, but we are all human beings and we are all DEPENDENT on something that helps us survive. We need water, food, love, emotional care, etc. So in that sense, we are all weak when lacking necessary resources, spiritual ones included.
In the end crying is my joy. I wish I could cry everyday. By crying I can feel closer to God, and I am sorry, but if people think that connecting with God is weak, then I fear what they think strength is.
This one is about men, crying.
So many people think that a man who cries is weak, puny, not a "real-man". Well, I disagree 100% of the way.
To me crying is a physical way of praying. Crying it being able to admit that I am not perfect, a way to show humility and longing, and a way to connect even deeper with God through shedding tears of want.
For those who are afraid to cry, I think they are afraid of embarrassment. But what will happen if, all the suddenly, it becomes socially acceptable? Well, it would be normal! People would be admitting it all the time, men and women alike.
So this obviously boils down to a social issue. But I also think that culture teaches that crying is for the weak.
Well, I am sorry to break it to people, but we are all human beings and we are all DEPENDENT on something that helps us survive. We need water, food, love, emotional care, etc. So in that sense, we are all weak when lacking necessary resources, spiritual ones included.
In the end crying is my joy. I wish I could cry everyday. By crying I can feel closer to God, and I am sorry, but if people think that connecting with God is weak, then I fear what they think strength is.
2 Days of Work Left
The feeling is strange. Really strange. It is a mix of excitement to go home and serve in a new way, plus the sadness to leave the Holiness, and the feeling of being sick of gardening. All 3 put together makes a very uneasy Ian.
You know when you enter a new environment, you have that "new guy feel". It is a feeling of change; difference; an awkward unknown. Well, that feeling has entered again. There's under-brewing feeling that a big change is about to take place. I have so much planned for when I go home, but the question is what I am going to be like when I am home.
Will I be able to manage pulling my new habits into my life at home? Will I fall into sadness and not be able to feel strong enough to incorporate the new me? Or, even worse, will I fall into the old Ian and feel lazy and regret for loosing my true self?
Every time I think of my nearing departure, my heart sighs a breath of sadness. Tears are starting to come up, and all I hope and pray for is to be happy and positively influential when I go home.
I am scared, sad, and excited all at the same time, and I just feel this countdown that I can't stop.
But here is what I know I will NOT do when I go home. I will not be depressed, overly-sad, lazy, lethargic, or a drag to be around. I am going home with a whole new spirit, why spread such a downer energy? I know I will be sad to end such an amazing part of my life, but I will come back. New beginnings are starting their engines and I am the one to put them into drive.
I just pray that I can keep (and grow) the me that I am today. I am not afraid to be the true soul that I am, other peoples opinions really don't matter to me because I do this for the sake of my soul's health and my growth towards God.
You know when you enter a new environment, you have that "new guy feel". It is a feeling of change; difference; an awkward unknown. Well, that feeling has entered again. There's under-brewing feeling that a big change is about to take place. I have so much planned for when I go home, but the question is what I am going to be like when I am home.
Will I be able to manage pulling my new habits into my life at home? Will I fall into sadness and not be able to feel strong enough to incorporate the new me? Or, even worse, will I fall into the old Ian and feel lazy and regret for loosing my true self?
Every time I think of my nearing departure, my heart sighs a breath of sadness. Tears are starting to come up, and all I hope and pray for is to be happy and positively influential when I go home.
I am scared, sad, and excited all at the same time, and I just feel this countdown that I can't stop.
But here is what I know I will NOT do when I go home. I will not be depressed, overly-sad, lazy, lethargic, or a drag to be around. I am going home with a whole new spirit, why spread such a downer energy? I know I will be sad to end such an amazing part of my life, but I will come back. New beginnings are starting their engines and I am the one to put them into drive.
I just pray that I can keep (and grow) the me that I am today. I am not afraid to be the true soul that I am, other peoples opinions really don't matter to me because I do this for the sake of my soul's health and my growth towards God.
Time is Coming to an End
I barely have 3 weeks left in this all Glorious land.
I cannot believe it has already been a year. It's so hard to imagine that a year ago, today, I was preparing myself for my year or service.
Emotions are starting to well up and I am sure that my last week will be pretty teary.
This has been such a memorable year of my life. It is the year that I started to grow into Ian, and solved problems that I need to know the answer to. It's the year that many tests and difficulties came and many great realizations and happiness made manifest.
I am sad to leave here. I am sad to not have such amazing access to those glorious resting places.When I experience the love and the soul during my prayers inside, and I think to myself: how am I going to live without this?
The answer is, I will always live with it. It will always be my heart and home.
I am quite, though, excited to go home. I am excited or a new beginning and for a new chapter.
It is time for me to serve in a new capacity, and to be able to interact with people about what I learned, and hopefully inspire change.
I am not going home depressed or groggy. I will be sad, but I know that I will return one day, maybe with a few little ones on my side. So I am going to make good use of being home, start new projects, and really start to figure out my path.
I know that I have a lot to take on when I go home, but as long as my heart is filled with this light, I am happy.
Ian
I cannot believe it has already been a year. It's so hard to imagine that a year ago, today, I was preparing myself for my year or service.
Emotions are starting to well up and I am sure that my last week will be pretty teary.
This has been such a memorable year of my life. It is the year that I started to grow into Ian, and solved problems that I need to know the answer to. It's the year that many tests and difficulties came and many great realizations and happiness made manifest.
I am sad to leave here. I am sad to not have such amazing access to those glorious resting places.When I experience the love and the soul during my prayers inside, and I think to myself: how am I going to live without this?
The answer is, I will always live with it. It will always be my heart and home.
I am quite, though, excited to go home. I am excited or a new beginning and for a new chapter.
It is time for me to serve in a new capacity, and to be able to interact with people about what I learned, and hopefully inspire change.
I am not going home depressed or groggy. I will be sad, but I know that I will return one day, maybe with a few little ones on my side. So I am going to make good use of being home, start new projects, and really start to figure out my path.
I know that I have a lot to take on when I go home, but as long as my heart is filled with this light, I am happy.
Ian
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