The feeling is strange. Really strange. It is a mix of excitement to go home and serve in a new way, plus the sadness to leave the Holiness, and the feeling of being sick of gardening. All 3 put together makes a very uneasy Ian.
You know when you enter a new environment, you have that "new guy feel". It is a feeling of change; difference; an awkward unknown. Well, that feeling has entered again. There's under-brewing feeling that a big change is about to take place. I have so much planned for when I go home, but the question is what I am going to be like when I am home.
Will I be able to manage pulling my new habits into my life at home? Will I fall into sadness and not be able to feel strong enough to incorporate the new me? Or, even worse, will I fall into the old Ian and feel lazy and regret for loosing my true self?
Every time I think of my nearing departure, my heart sighs a breath of sadness. Tears are starting to come up, and all I hope and pray for is to be happy and positively influential when I go home.
I am scared, sad, and excited all at the same time, and I just feel this countdown that I can't stop.
But here is what I know I will NOT do when I go home. I will not be depressed, overly-sad, lazy, lethargic, or a drag to be around. I am going home with a whole new spirit, why spread such a downer energy? I know I will be sad to end such an amazing part of my life, but I will come back. New beginnings are starting their engines and I am the one to put them into drive.
I just pray that I can keep (and grow) the me that I am today. I am not afraid to be the true soul that I am, other peoples opinions really don't matter to me because I do this for the sake of my soul's health and my growth towards God.
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