Where Has it All Gone?

Update time! I haven't posted in so long. I apologize. Not having a computer now means less posts. I could still write but I am not particularly inclined to writing long posts on my 3 inch iPhone screen.

Life has definitely taken some interesting turns since the last time I wrote, but the main and bigger event is that I am leaving in a matter of months.

Yes, the time has come where I am now living consciously of my limited time. I really am trying to make the best of it by volunteering in other departments, hanging out with more friends, and doing more things.

Getting rid of my computer was one of the best ideas I have ever thought of. Within a matter of days I had done more things with friends and coworkers than I would have in 1 week.

You never really know how much of an effect something has on you until you get rid of it. So, thank God I got rid of it! Yay!

. . . . . 

I lately have been going through some hard, personal tests. There were days where I just sat in my dark dungeon of a room and cried at the thought of not being able to overcome what I was going through.

I have talked to many friends about the situation and have found a ton of enlightenment.

This is probably one of the hardest times I have had to go through in my life, but at the same time, it has beared the most fruit.

See, I now know what to do to overcome this test. I am taking charge of all my actions and being aware of how I interact with others. I finally understand the fact that we are all equal. No one is superior to others. Just because someone is older, doesn't mean they are better.

I see ideas and opinions as offerings of thought, and not as a statement of true reality. The idea that one is right and the other is wrong is one of the greatest tests of the human experience, because one will forever live in ignorance and pride without even opening the eyes to other realities.

I am finally able to recognize my worth in this world, and to be able to overcome the thought of being inferior to others. We are all worthy, equal, and loved beings.

This single test has opened my eyes to my soul, to my life, to answers of my long lived questions, and I am forever grateful. I will never be the same after this. Thank God.

. . . . 

I look at the skyline of the radiant-orange sunset, hear the birds chanting their love for one another, feel the spirit of my surroundings, and I wonder how I am going to live without this place. A year has passed so fast and I feel as though there is still more to do. 

I am beyond thankful for what I have learned and gone through in my time of service, and I can only hope to pray for more clarity and confirmations.

One day, I will be soul that I am meant to be, and I am already one stepping stone closer than yesterday.

Ian

Gahhhhh!

Whenever I think about having to leave soon, a mist of sadness appears. It's practically 4 months left and I still have so much to do and think about!

I really am going to make the most of these coming months. Volunteering in other positions, hanging out with friends and just have a good time.

I also am going to start meditating on what I should do for a career. What befit's my soul? What makes me happy? Really dive into it, cause... I need to know. Hahah.

. . . . . . . . .

I've learned the importance of committing. To say I want to do something, but then really do it and make changes in my life to make my goal a reality. It is so easy to just flub out and forget about the goals I have in place, but I don't want that to happen anymore. I'm almost 21, for goodness sakes, and I'm going to makes things right.

So, for the reason of wanting to really change my life and habits, I'm sending my computer home, 4 months before I leave. It's a beautiful tool, but also a pit of lethargy, and I'm sick of wasting my valuable time on it. I will still use my iPhone for email and etc. Thankfully, its harder for me to get all trapped in YouTube on my phone, than my Mac, which is so easily a magnet.

I have also learned the importance of love and being in a uplifted mood, and what is conducive (and not) to making myself feel that way. I (in my last post) talked about negativity and how it really brings me down, and I have identified attitudes and energies that make me negative, and striving to rule them out.

Just my thoughts and feeling for now. I am so thankful and happy for how my life has turned out and what I have been able to do.

Let the spirit pervade!
Ian

Negativity

You know, there are so many things that I have been thinking about for the past couple months; my friendships, my relationship status with my family members, the work that I am doing, health, etc. And it can be overwhelming, sometimes, to think about how much I have to work with and how much I have to balance out.

But for some reason, though, I have fallen into the habit of thinking of the negative side of things rather than the positive, and just recently, I have finally said to myself; "I am so sick of seeing of the negative side of things! How did I get into this? Cause it is really bringing me down!"

Yes, there are things that cause me a ton of stress and anger, but how did I get out of my habit of looking at the bright side of things?

A couple years ago at school, I really got into the whole positive-energy, look at the bright side thing. But I was extraordinarily immoderate with it and I drove my friends crazy. Then graduating and going back home, I calmed down and started to balance out. But then for some reason, I have been falling into looking at the negatives a bit more than the positives.

I am just intrigued about the fact that it has taken me this long to truly come to the realization, that I need to change my thinking. Because I could have said "be positive" to myself many times over the past years, but it didn't wouldn't sink in. Yet now I say it to myself and it really resonates. It just show me that I need to let myself experience things in the moment and not have artificial ideas clog my mind, and that I need to let myself think organically.

It also shows me that I need to be in-tuned with how I am feeling and to bring myself to a solution to improve my living experience. Simply apologizing or praying for improvement doesn't really help if I don't know what the cause of the problem is. I have been very honest with myself for many months and have brought myself to account with my deeds, but I guess I need to look past the daily struggles and dive deep into the source of the problem.

Being negative brings me down. I feel... something (can't describe it) when I am negative, and I don't want it anymore. I am living a great life, doing what I need to do, discovering and growing the way I need to, STOP COMPLAINING IAN! LOL.

Love to all
Ian

Hey!

Haven't posted in so long! SORRY!

I am doing so well here! I am learning from my tests, growing and advancing in the direction that I need, and really striving to stick to the better way of living that I have identified for my self!

My mom is visiting soon! I am really happy that she's coming! We need some mother and son bonding time, and what better place to do so? She comes in April and will be here for a little over a week.

Some things that I miss most about home:
In and Out Burger (I'm SUPER Californian)
My fam-jam
Driving
Hanging out with my sister
Being with my old community friends
Not having to do anything in the day (sometime I miss this)

I am pretty excited to go home and fulfill all my missing's. Don't get me wrong, I love being where I am and I am so thankful and happy for all that I am learning, but I can't wait to go home and be with my family. The family unit expanded three weeks before I left, not much bonding time right?


Unfortunately, I have to take down ALL the posts prior to this one. Due to some personal issues, they will be TEMPORARILY unavailable.


Until next!
Ian

Yep, 6 Month Mark.

Yep, its been 6 months already. My half-way mark. My countdown.

It’s pretty crazy to believe that I am 6 months in already, it seems like a month ago when I just arrived.

I have learned so much here. The importance of my self confidence and the effects i can have on the world, the lesson of love and to appreciate other peoples value, and the ability to not be so harsh on myself, and to allow myself the chance to grow and trust that all will be fine if I try to aim for the better.

I really have grown a stronger connection between me and the Faith. I definitely have more trust than before! I am so thankful.

All I know now is that now is the time to really think about what I want to do when I go home, my future career, etc.

All is well.

Ian

PS. My mother is visiting me in April! I am excited to see her!